You've become an outlet for family issues.

[Bio248]

so, naturally, i need somewhere to vent a little bit. you just happen to be the only place that won't make it back to me through some other outlet, like facebook.

a little background. my family is fairly well off. i wasn't ever given anything without a consequence, but i was also never in a situation where i couldn't get something that i needed. it taught me well on how to use my own money and to function well out in the real world without digging myself into the ground.

my recent wedding was a new chapter to seeing how my parents react to large sums of money. the wife and i saved for over a year, $1000 a month so we could throw a fabulous party for our family, friends, and ourselves. we were given a little help from both sets of our parents (bone to pick #1), but the majority of the money came directly from us and was handled flawlessly. the extra on top from our families was just an added benefit to keep us afloat. (bone to pick #1: my family is well off, the wife's is not. why in the **** did my parents make a big deal about the money they gave us when [unknowingly] the wife's family gave the same amount? get the **** over yourself, you're in an entirely different tax bracket and could have afforded more. you suck.)

after the wedding we had the awesome task of writing out thank you cards. along with doing this we had a list. on this list we wrote out what everyone gave us, including the monetary values for checks/cash. it's fairly common just to weigh out what you're writing as well as recognizing who pushed for you and who did the bare minimum. whatever, i'm over it. i was always under the impression that you should at least pay for your meals, plus a little on top to show your appreciation for being there. however, after we were done with the cards we threw these lists out and forgot about it. it's done, why should i care?

well, my parents seem to care. they wanted to know who gave what so they could weigh their own "counter-payment" for future events that they were invited to. not only do i think this is wrong, but i think this is ****ing rude. everyone should give what they can, not what they're expected to do. life is not about being even with everyone, it's about sharing what you've been able to accomplish (this is bone to pick #2).

i get a call from my father last evening, he had been drinking. he starts spewing his mouth off about wanting the list of what people gave or just the money he gave us for the wedding back so he could hand that out instead. i let him carry on, not saying much. you want to talk big, talk. i'll let you listen, but i already know i'm better than you for not taking things like this in the same light as you. good work, dad. there will be a point at which i will put you in your place and show you what you've become. but because i don't this time around, the wife gets mad at me and let's me know that i'm not a man for standing up for myself and letting him walk all over me. what a dandy end to an evening, no?

my mother shoots us a text in the morning saying sorry for the call and that she'll handle my dad. whatever, you haven't been able to thus far so what're you gonna say now that is going to change his worldly views? probably nothing. my wife proceeds to text her back saying something along the lines that she's glad i have my father in my life as an example of what i should not be. as much as i agree with that, i don't think it's her place to say anything. i do like that she's defending me, but given the opportunity i would never say anything in a negative light to either of her parents. that's just me, though. (picked bone #3)

i took my time and made sure i knew what i was going to text back to her, and i ended up with this: "if it was as easy as paying him off it would have been done a decade ago. money and objects will not be my legacy. i'm sorry that it's yours." her response was "i know it. have a good day." i struck a nerve. now, i didn't mean to point that at her as much as i meant it to be transferred to my father, but it'll happen when she gets home from work and then i'll get to hear about it.

all in all i really do appreciate my family for what they've done and all, but when does money/objects become a side piece to family/friends? up until now, i've yet to see it from my own. i've carved my own path in life. i don't need to have nice things to be happy. what good are all those nice things and your money when you have no one to share it with? no good at all.

/book

[blueguy]

Hi, welcome to marriage.

Buddy

[Bio248]

This kinda has nothing to do with being married, but now I know you don't read. Heh.

[Mad Monkey]

you cant win, theres no right no wrong.. its family it sucks.

GPF will be your outlet

[blueguy]

This kinda has nothing to do with being married, but now I know you don't read. Heh.

I did read it all actually, I was just being my typical self.

If it makes you feel any better that is the exact reason my parents split. My old man and mom had totally different views on things and handled situations differently. It's caused fights between Kim and I as well because one says something that trips a wire with another. It never ends well. Like Jordo said, it is family...and that's true...just gotta live with it. I always got all bent out of shape because she was treated like crap mentally by her parents even though they physically provided everything for her (situation is opposite as I wasn't well off growing up and she very much so was). All in all I'd just say roll with it; after I told my Dad how I really felt about things (disrespect was involved...) things have gotten WORLDS better, hell they even talk to Kim on a regular basis.

So two things in conclusion...

1) It'll work it's way out; just gotta talk about it. It sucks...but it seems to get the job done, at least in the situations I've been in.
2) Nice signature.

[Sandman]

My dad is kind of the same way, in wanting to be even, I can feel ya on that one. Hopefully this doesn't blow up huge between y'all.

[Mad Monkey]

its not a big shocker wanting to "even the score" with people financially from weddings, happens all the time. The bluntness of it really comes off as a dick move.
just do it subtly as everyone has always done and move on.

also, Killer Sig.

[nawarkk]

I like the way you think. Money doesn't mean anything in the end anyways.

[BillBoost37]

Obviously not close enough with you to know the relationship between you and the wife. Clearly she's a wife for a reason though. As she was giving you a hard time about not sticking up for yourself, it may have helped if you were able to convey what you wrote. Meaning, that sometimes you need to take it on the shoulder and be the better person for you and your dad both. While she wants to defend you, parents are a different story to a degree. I'd also suggest talking to her about your feelings on that one.

You know my recent situation well enough, in all the dates I'm going on.. being open, honest and communication are things I'm bringing up and talking about. Communication with a spouse is key in all the relationships I've seen do the best.

[Bio248]

i've grown up being told about all the things i was given, but never about the accomplishments i've achieved. it doesn't end and it only pushes me farther away. there will be a point at which i will have to sit down and tell my dad to get on my level and to stop being a child, but it's not today.

if there is one thing i like more than making money, it's spending money. it's just money, who cares so long as i have enough to do what i want with it, amirite?

and as far as my lady friend goes, she likes to tell people how it is. my father is one person who pushes her buttons in the right order to get a response. it's not going to change until he decides to be a bigger man. she will always speak her mind and i love her for that. she is the one that keeps me from being a total dumbass 80% of the time.

[BillBoost37]

You are.

I had a difficult life with my dad. Truth, he told me one time in my life that I did a good job/something right. Once I got praised. With other issues etc, I didn't talk with that side of the family for almost 10 years. It's amazing how that time matured all parties involved.

Tough to say what would help make any family member open their eyes to the problems etc.

[Matt Palm]

this exactly what they mean by you can choose your friends not your family

[Rico]

Bio

Parents have nothing, never did, and when my sister got married no one had any money on either side of the families.
My father went over 30K in debt (high interest rate) to help out with the wedding. Took him six years to pay it off.
He never complained once.

Your father should call my dad and have a good talk. Dad will straighten his ass out!

[RareGMFan]

Sounds like typical Naperville parents.

you haven't been able to thus far so what're you gonna say now that is going to change his worldly views?

Simple. "I want a divorce." Bet things change real quick when he's at risk of loosing at least half of everything. Even if she was bluffing, it would be fun to see the reaction.

i've grown up being told about all the things i was given, but never about the accomplishments i've achieved.

Which is why I made this statement a while back about people who get things handed to them thread:

It's not the act of having something handed to you that bothers me. As others have said, I doubt anyone here would have turned down their parents buying them a nice car. What bugs me is the snotty attitude that comes with it, especially because these kids don't realize that their parents are only buying them expensive stuff because they're USING them as a means to show off their OWN money/status. "I'm so rich that not only do I drive a car better than you, but I can even afford to buy a first car for my KID better than yours!" It should really be looked at as a form of child abuse because when these kids are old enough to be on their own, and the parents can't use them as a showcase anymore, the buying of stuff will come to an end. At that point, reality will be very harsh for them because they were never taught ambition, the value of a dollar, how to survive off of what they make or what it takes/how to make more, etc. In other words, their parents have failed in parenting them. They have not prepared them for life.

I know it doesn't describe your situation exactly, but I do think it applies towards a large portion of your parents' intent on "making sure you never did without". It's seldom out of love as opposed to an extension of showing off their wealth.

[Beelzeboul]

I can relate to alot of this nick I have a booze abusing father not a drunk by most terms but the 2-3 times a week he drinks he gets ripped and it seems like the only time he wants to get **** off his chest which is never the appropriate time I've told him if he wants to talk to me about anything serious to do it sober otherwise hes just venting the **** that pissed him off throughout the day at me . anytime it comes to having money thrown in my face or the allegation of being ungrateful I tell whoever they can have the money back it doesnt hold the value to me that it does to them apparently and I would rather not have the help than deal with it being thrown in my face.

people who do nice things just to bring them up are my pet peeve and my mother is famous for it. I wanna say i was about 18 when I actually got into a physical altercation with my father whos about 6'5 250 or so lbs and knocked him unconscious after he had pushed me Im pretty sure he woke up on the floor and ive told him anytime since when he starts venting that if he cant control the volume of his voice or talk in a respectful manner we can just go fight about it like children and that usually ends the conversation.
The wanna fight about it approach :P

try not to be to hard on the wife although you may not be the type to say something to her parents shes obviously protective of you and hopefully her only reason for saying such a thing was so that this kinda thing would not upset you in the future. If it was just her blowing off steam in your fathers directions I would probably tell her to take it easy , that its your family and comments like that will only fan the flames. her intentions are what you should try to figure out not so much what she said but why she said it.

meanwhile if your dad is the type to apologize once he knows hes wrong you should tell him you views on the matter sometimes a little perspective is needed .

another note is idk how well off your family is but the recession has kinda hit everyone being well off in 98 till now just means your cost of living now that employment and everything else is on the decline is alot higher than most people and maybe he is having financial issues that are stressing him out to the point of venting the way he is

all in all I think you did the right thing I call it the Teflon approach meaning whatever somebody says you don't let it stick to ya or rile you into saying something you probably shouldnt or would just be hurtful

but like I said money or a gift or offering to do something for family is suppose to be unconditional and if it isn't it's almost never worth it

[TLSheff]

As for my history I can't really relate, family has always had just enough to not worry but we never lived great. I was raised with lots of praise for many achievements and with the ideal like said, "Its just money, you can't take it with you when you die". This is why I don't stress over money as long as I can pay the bills and have some left for the bank or whatnot I'm happy as a clam.

Amber (GF) on the other hand, like you has a FUBAR'd family. Originally growing up in Lincoln NE she was in poverty, family was poor but after her father passed her mom remarried and moved her down here and her step-dad is VERY well off. Now her mom acts like money is everything and gives her grief over everything, she is in school paying for it herself, I pay the bills for housing and food and whatnot. Her stepdad gives her money but expects to be paid back out of what we have extra, not to burden her I oblige. He gets his money, after all... it is HIS money. But her mom has shell'd out thousands for her brothers and sisters weddings so they were happy, but we were told we'd have to pay for our own because she will be a nurse and can afford it. Any time we need anything, they are "broke" and we have to argue for help and again pay them back immediately. My mother on the other hand will bury herself in debt to make sure I don't sink.

I really see us in the same situation later just because her mom is the way you describe your dad and her step-dad is a pushover to keep the wife happy. I haven't been in that situation before so what I think can be taken with a grain of salt, but I always tell Amber when she is crying over an arguement to really tell her how she feels and make her understand. But it doesn't tend to work out well.

I hate to see people flaunt money like that, it just aggrivates me, especially when it draw attention away from the point at hand. It was your celebration of marriage, they have no reason to be in the spotlight, they need to back down.

Hopefully you can find a middle ground and make some headway on it. Good Luck

[Bio248]

my dad is the kind of guy who throws out the "i did it for you all" line when we talk about how hard he works and the money he's raked in. the money he gave us for the wedding was a gift and he knew that, but he likes to use it. he always will. i also get the "i'm not worried about you two" line a lot because we both have good jobs (engineer/nurse), but then they're always trying to give us terrible advise.

one such terrible piece of advise: we are up north. get up there thursday night, plop our asses down in front of the fire and crack a beer. finally, salvation for the weekend. get to talking, blah blah, mention we are going to replace the roof on our house because it's leaking and it's three layers deep. anyone with a straight mind would consider this a good idea. my dad: "sell the house. just sell the house and take the loss on the roof and be done with it." the ****? get real, join the rest of us in the real world. i'm going to replace the roof. as easy as it is to dump my problems onto someone else and move on, you really think i'm in the financial position to sell my house and buy a new one? wooooowww...

story 2: he bought a brand new silverado (base model, albeit) to use as a work truck last year. it probably has enough mileage to have one oil change done to it and when i asked to borrow it to haul a tree i cut down to the dump he laughed and said something about getting it dirty. i decided it wasn't worth my time and called my brother who borrowed a trailer from work and we did it with his truck instead. i don't borrow things from my parents. he values his things more than he'd value helping me out.

all in all, he lives in his own ****ed up world. he always will until something goes completely wrong and he has nothing to do, but change his thought processes. it's not going to happen soon.



[and just for frame of reference for some. my parents live in a 3000 sq ft ranch home on about a an acre of land. the garage is also around 3000 sq ft. underneath the garage and house is a full basement with 14 foot ceilings (which is mainly used for his shop [machinist] and storage). they have money.]

[blueguy]

I know a good hitman?

































C'mon, you'd do this to my threads too.

But seriously, just avoid it as much as possible brutha. Apparently it is bothering you quite a bit. Had to do that with my Mom recently...and even with her being in the hospital she just gripes, complains, and pisses off everyone around her including the nurses because it isn't done on Rosemary's schedule.

I honestly don't know what else to tell ya other than it sucks and ya just gotta live and let live.

Right?

[blakgtp]

life is short man. if you don't get along with someone over so many years. don't make yourself miserable by trying to cope with em. just move on (if you can)

[Bio248]

no, i understand what you're getting at. i'm just using this as a platform to air some laundry. no biggie.