Thread: Tool Definitions

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  1. #1 Tool Definitions 
    I say it with pictures Abrasive's Avatar
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    I've seen these a few times before, but always get a good laugh out of them everytime they pop up somewhere. Saw them today on another forum I visit from time to time and thought I would post them here for your entertainment. Enjoy!

    Tool Definitions.

    Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar stock out of your hands, striking you in the chest and flinging your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part on the workbench.

    Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and throws them under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and guitar calluses in the time it takes to say "ouch!"

    Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. May also be used to create blood blisters.

    Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its direction the more dismal your failure becomes.

    Vice Grips: Generally used after pliers to further round off a bolt. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    Oxy-acetylene Torch:
    Used almost exclusively for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting fire to the grease around that wheel bearing you were trying to remove by heating the hub.

    Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles. Now mostly are hammered over bolts previously rounded by vice grips.

    Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after installing new brake shoes, trapping the handle firmly under the bumper. May also be used to lower vehicle onto the plastic pail you drained the engine oil into, immediately prior to moving the vehicle and spilling oil all over your concrete driveway.

    Two by Four: An eight-foot long bar made of wood used for levering the vehicle upward off the hydraulic floor jack handle.

    Tweezers: A tool for removing 2X4 splinters or wire wheel wires from your fingers.

    Jack stand: Used in conjunction with the Hydraulic Floorjack to support the car after raising the car to the highest level the jack can possibly go....making it impossible to raise the vehicle any higher to take the Jack stands out....this is where the Two by Four comes in handy once again.

    E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes. Works well in inexpensive or easy to replace parts but using this tool in expensive parts will cause almost certain failure.

    Two-Ton Engine Hoist: Used for testing the tensile strength of electrical wires, hoses etc that you forgot to disconnect.

    Craftsman 1/2 X 16 inch Screwdriver: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip at the opposite end to the handle.

    Aviation Metal Snips: See "Hacksaw."

    Trouble Light: A very appropriately named tool. Its two main purposes are to shine an intense light directly into your eyes instead of onto the part you are trying to illuminate and also to consume 40 watt light bulbs at the same rate as a 105mm Howitzer consumes shells. Sometimes called a drop light for reasons obvious to anybody who has used one.

    Flash Light: Appropriately named lighting device that flashes only once in time of need. Also, a chrome or plastic container used to house dead batteries and broken light bulbs.

    Philips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the silver vacuum seals under the screw off lids of oil cans but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out the heads of phillips screws.

    Slotted Screwdriver: Most commonly used to puncture, cut, scrape, scratch or otherwise disfigure anything, including your hand, that happens to be within the surrounding area of the screw you are attempting to remove.

    Cordless Screwgun: Used to accomplish the same tasks as the slotted screwdriver listed above, only much more quickly and usually much more painfully. However, when working correctly, this tool is remarkable at driving a single screw halfway to your intended goal before the battery needs recharging.

    Pry Bar: A tool often used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace that 50 cent part.

    Hose Cutter: Used to make hoses too short.

    Wire Strippers: Used primarily to strip insulation from wires, can be used for bloodletting by means of perforating the users digits, or that real sensitive web of skin between the thumb and forefinger.

    Hammer: Originally used as a weapon of war, but nowadays used as a device used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the part you are trying to hit.

    Utility Knife: Used to open boxes and slice through the contents of packages delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on items such as seats, CD's, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines etc. Especially useful for slicing through work clothes, but only when you are in them.

    Dammit Tool: Any tool that gets thrown across the garage as you yell "Dammit!" It is also the next tool that you will need.

    Expletive: A soothing balm, or mechanics lube, usually applied verbally and in hindsight, which somehow eases the pain and embarrassment of our lack of foresight.
    Last edited by Abrasive; 01-07-2008 at 10:51 PM.

    Master Certified Auto Glass Technician - 23+ yrs in the biz.
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  2. #2  
    GTP Level Member VinnieGTP's Avatar
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    HAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

    LOLOLOLOLOOLOLOLOLOL


    I'm crying at my desk right now. I have done almost ALL of that.
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  3. #3  
    I live here. SyntheticShield's Avatar
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    Oh my Lord, I cant stop laughing...
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    GTP Level Member TyroElite's Avatar
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    wow, that is GREAT!!! I love it.
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  5. #5  
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    I'm having to laugh very quietly so as not to disturb the others I work with. However, it's not working too well, and they ask why I'm laughing.
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  6. #6  
    GTP Level Member J_Ferguson's Avatar
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    hahahahaha
    Awsome post

    1998 GTP, U-Bend Delete,Hi-Flow Cat,No Res,SLP Headers,BRISK Plugs ,180 T-Stat, 3.4 pully
    2007 GM Show and shine August 10http://www.youtube.com/v/aRh91q1jRio&rel=1
    OQCGP Clubhttp://www.youtube.com/v/j_YHmgU9ehs&rel=1
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  7. #7  
    I say it with pictures Abrasive's Avatar
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    If you have other's, post them up. I just added "Slotted Screwdriver" to the list since I just finished maiming myself with one.

    Master Certified Auto Glass Technician - 23+ yrs in the biz.
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  8. #8  
    I say it with pictures Abrasive's Avatar
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    Cordless Screwgun added. HAHA

    Master Certified Auto Glass Technician - 23+ yrs in the biz.
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  9. #9  
    GT Level Member Chleby's Avatar
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    i love it...LOL

    2001 Grand Prix GT...turbo build soon to come
    http://www.cardomain.com/ride/2618949
    Andrew Chleborad....Sioux Falls, SD
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  10. #10  
    Bastard Reptile's Avatar
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    Jack stand: Used in conjunction with the Hydraulic Floorjack to support the car after raising the car to the highest level the jack can possibly go....making it impossible to raise the vehicle any higher to take the Jack stands out....this is where the Two by Four comes in handy once again.
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  11. #11  
    GT Level Member BackInBlack's Avatar
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    WIRE STRIPPERS: Used primarily to strip insulation from wires, can be used for bloodletting by means of perforating the users digits, or that real sensitive web of skin between the thumb and forefinger.
    The GPs are long gone...
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  12. #12  
    I say it with pictures Abrasive's Avatar
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    LMAO! Added those two to the list

    Master Certified Auto Glass Technician - 23+ yrs in the biz.
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  13. #13  
    GT Level Member BackInBlack's Avatar
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    Expletive: A soothing balm, or mechanics lube, usually applied verbally and in hindsight, which somehow eases the pain and embarrassment of our lack of foresight.
    That would be Expletative...
    The GPs are long gone...
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  14. #14  
    GT Level Member Meemperor's Avatar
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    omg, I woke some people in the house up reading that !
    Lumpy Gen 3
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  15. #15  
    GTP Level Member J_Ferguson's Avatar
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    Air ratchet:Used primarily to remove those stubren nuts and bolts,
    but can easly turned into alarm clock mode
    when the coffee is not on when you get up in the morning.

    1998 GTP, U-Bend Delete,Hi-Flow Cat,No Res,SLP Headers,BRISK Plugs ,180 T-Stat, 3.4 pully
    2007 GM Show and shine August 10http://www.youtube.com/v/aRh91q1jRio&rel=1
    OQCGP Clubhttp://www.youtube.com/v/j_YHmgU9ehs&rel=1
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  16. #16  
    I live here. UR LOSN's Avatar
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    funny stuff!
    2001 GTP- PT76 turbo, Intense Drag cars old engine, Stage 4 Intense turbo cam,FMIC,150 wet,Double roller timing chain,Diamond forged coated pistons 8:0:1,Diamond piston rings,Cryoed L32 connecting rods,Cryoed crank,Clevite77 main bearings,Clevite77 cam bearings,Clevite77 L32 rod bearings,ARP Everything, Intense/meizere true billet Flexplate,Intense Wilson UIM/LIM,Intense oil pressure kit,Cometic,OE-R lifters,Cryoed L67 block,ATI turbo dampner,80# inject,Weldon 2035 fp,Aero Fuel Rails,AL cradle
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  17. #17  
    I say it with pictures Abrasive's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BackInBlack View Post
    That would be Expletative...
    huh?

    Master Certified Auto Glass Technician - 23+ yrs in the biz.
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  18. #18  
    I live here. SyntheticShield's Avatar
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    He was correcting the spelling of the word.
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  19. #19  
    I say it with pictures Abrasive's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SyntheticShield View Post
    He was correcting the spelling of the word.
    I hope not, "Expletive" is the correct spelling.
    Last edited by Abrasive; 01-08-2008 at 12:20 PM.

    Master Certified Auto Glass Technician - 23+ yrs in the biz.
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  20. #20  
    I live here. SyntheticShield's Avatar
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    I stand corrected.
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