Thread: Joke of the day, Quote of the day.

Just go to dearblankpleaseblank.com

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come
back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
university!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you
know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, ?potentially?, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars...but ?realistically?, we're living with two hookers and
a queer.

OMG HAHAHA

That I will have to send to friends, too funny not too

Haven't seen this thread in a while and a couple of you cats look a bit down in the mouth. Cheer the f*ck up!
-----
My nosy neighbour popped his head over the fence and said, "How did your trip to Amsterdam go?"

I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."

He laughed and said, "Which bit?"

I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."

This guy walks into a bar orders a beer and starts talking with the bartender. Suddenly he notices one of those huge Pickle jars sitting on the back of the bar filled with 50 dollar bills. He asks the bartender " that's not your tip jar is it?". The bartender tells him "Lord no man, that's the bar bet jar." Intrigued the guy asks him, "so what's the bet?" The bartender tels him "Well, you see that bouncer over there?" pointing to a huge 6'8" 320 bear of a man, "You gotta be able to whip his ass.". With that the guy throws a 50 on the counter and say's "I'm in!!". The bartender says "Whoa buddy that's just the first part of the bet, there are two more parts." The guy says "Two more parts? What are they?" Well the bartender goes on to explain that he has a rotweiller back in the broom closet with a bad tooth and it needs to be pulled, "That's the meanest damn dog you've ever seen son" he tells him. With that the guy throws his 50 back on the bar and says "No problem!". The bartender reminds him it's a three part bet and that the last part would be the hardest, he tells him " I have an 88 year old nymphomaniac upstairs and you can't come back down until she is pleased." The guy sits there for a second staring at the jar of money and says" how much do figure is in that jar" The bartender tells him "At least 20,000 bucks, Many men have tried but nobody has been able to even come close" The guy tells the bartender to give him a bottle of tequila, he sits there drinking shots for about an hour, gets up slams his money back on the bar and tells the bartender, "Watch this SH!T buddy!!!" With that he walks over and taps the bouncer on the shoulder, the bouncer turns around and WHACK, one punch and the bouncer was out cold. The guy walks back over to the bar takes another shot of tequila and heads into the broom closet. As soon as the door is closed you can hear that dog tearing that guy from asshole to elbow, he's screaming, the dogs growling, barking, and obviously biting the hell out of him, suddenly there's a yelp and the broom closet door opens up, the guys stumbles out, clothes ripped to hell, bite marks everywhere and blood soaking his clothes, the dog following him acting like a happy little puppy now, he makes it to the bar, takes another shot of tequila and says to the bartender " Now where's the old Biotch that needs her tooth pulled at?"

THE LETTER

Christopher and Heather XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXBoone, NC 28607Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXXWe are writing to you as members of the EvergreenHomeowner’s Association about a concern that hasoccupied all our minds since you moved into this

neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good

Christian and God fearing people. The display you haveset up on the outer section of your lot has us a bitconcerned as the statue appears to be a type of Paganworshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations inour neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yourssays that this is a Satanic being and that you may beinvolved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goingson around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights inthe sky and numerous dead animals in the road. Weunderstand that you are a homeowner, but if you will readyour declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displayson your property are not allowed. We insist that youremove this questionable display at once. Our children arenot to be influenced by Devil worship and deviantbehavior.Ardna Tyne

For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

THE RESPONSE

June 16, 2002Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which thebenevolent homeowners association seems to take offenseto.I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. AGargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can beseen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guessthe homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. MyGargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does thisfrighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fearwhen the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you

through your evil television set.

I would like to file a formal complaint about several yardsin the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grassthat’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? Thewoman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating hermailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not acowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the

cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy

was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, hedied. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive.Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitleyyard.As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, youidiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wickedsky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid fallingfrom the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rainwould make you thankful.As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know howto drive on the winding mountain roads. That is calledROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels andrabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive downthe mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaringstraight ahead.We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends andneighbors cannot even see my house for all the treessurrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak outover my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so takewhatever action you feel is necessary.See you in hell,Love,

Chris XXXXX

Chris has promised to keep us updated on any furtherdevelopments which, I predict, will include torches,pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night. Staytuned...

And, as promised, further developments!

LETTER TWO

Christopher and Heather XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:XBoone, NC 28607October 25, 2002

Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX

We are writing to you again, not on the issue of yourgargoyle, which you are determined not to remove fromdisplay in our neighborhood, but on the issue of yourChristmas lights.Are you aware that it is not yet November? Youapparently put up Christmas lights the second week ofthis month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We canall see your glowing display late into the night over themountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake atnight and we do not appreciate such flagrant nonadherenceto the Association rules. Page six of yourHomeowner's Association guidelines specifically statesthat the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holidaydisplays not to be presented in a period greater than twoweeks prior or after said holiday.Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintancewho works at Boone Airport has said that your lights areobnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at theairport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for thegargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyedwith your behavior. Legal action may be necessary toeither A) force you to move out of ouronce peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court orderedfine for your continuing defiance of our rules and

regulations.

If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did onthe issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal oftrees from your property. Sunday morning is not a propertime for you to operate your chainsaw. Our communityprides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround ourneighborhood and we are determined to stop you fromruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!Ardna Tyne

For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

RESPONSE TWO

November 4, 2002

Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like thelast one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all,no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I wasthe only house on the street to put up lights, as it isSiberian-like weather here in December, perhaps thereason no one puts up lights.Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at thetop of the mountain and nobody can even see my house.If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin' windowsand quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not uphere for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be Iglad to give you one on New Year' s Eve, otherwise, QUITLOOKIN' MY WAY .I will not be taking down my lights because of your meeklittle letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Pagesix of the guidelines also is the reference page that mygargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of myguidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it tothe tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see.Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it asevidence against my in your little lawsuit.Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport?Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then Iobtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gavethe one person who flies into that parking lot something to

go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off

on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me,coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted allover the internet, and read by many, many people? I gotmore feedback from people I don't even know telling meto sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for thishouse and the acre of property that goes with it. Theseare MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about whatyou think about me cutting them down. Aren't you inchurch on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world fromgargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is theBEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over

300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I

wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, mygargoyle and my feces smeared page six of theHomeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed tothe one tree I will leave standing.Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.As always, love,Chris XXXXX

The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer

Lol awesome

Sent using my Galaxy SIII on Tapatalk

I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks.
I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's all I remember.

Lol same here

Sent using my Galaxy SIII on Tapatalk

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline
attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and
announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:


On a Kulula flight, (there is no
assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having
a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people
we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess
said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to
leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you
for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and
was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--

After a particularly rough
landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight
announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard
Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."

---o0o---

"Weather at
our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions
can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome
message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"

---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard
landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,

"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o—

Overheard
on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."

---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline".
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She
said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said
the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were
we shot down?"

---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in
Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.."


---o0o—

Heard on a
Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking
section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke
'em

Some I got from my mother over the past week. Made me chuckle, thought I'd share.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church..... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'



Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificatefor an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------------------------ -

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

------------------------------ --------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

______________________________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------ ------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Philadelphia, PA (AP) - A nine year-old Philadelphia boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.

"roses are red

violets are blue

this doesnt rhyme

**** you" - random youtube comment haha

"So last weekend my wife, son, and I went to the zoo! His favorite animal is the Elephant. So we went to go check them out! He noticed something on the Elephant and asked his mom " Mom whats that long thing called on the Elephant?" And she told him it was called his "trunk". He said no mom the thing in the back. And she said "Oh, thats his tail." He then said "no mom, I meant between his legs." And she said with a pause.... "Oh, thats nothing."

So he comes over by me and says, "dad, whats that long thing called on the Elephant?" And I told him that it was called his "Trunk" He then says "dad I meant in the back." And I told him it was called his tail. He said "Dad I meant between his Legs, whats that thing called?" And I told him that it was called his Penis! So my son says "Well Mom said it was called a nothing!"

.
... .
.
.
.
TO which I replied, Well your mom is Spoiled!

.
.
.
LOL"