Fan speeds work fine, heat works fine, all lights work fine.
In a nutshell, the AAA guy hooked up the portable-jumpstarter and immediately started hitting the key over and over and over. Of course with a totally dead battery it won't have enough voltage to start right away, so the solenoid was clicking like crazy (and sending plenty of voltage spikes through the system). He probably tried to start it 15-20 times before I finally ripped him away from the car and forced him to let the battery charge for a while.
