I Pity The Vegan.

[SlowNA06]

One of my college buddies is a vegan and is outspoken about it. Unlike many vegans I've met, he's not morbidly obese, stupid, pushy, terribly judgmental, or lazy. He eats real food in real portions (sometimes he tells me he ate over 3,000 calories that day and I shed a proud tear) and runs half marathons and is working on a marathon. So, he's a distance-running vegan. Two of my least favorite life choices. But he's the one that's got to live with looking like it's 1945 and he's been recently released from a concentration camp, not me.

So, the rant part. Remember how I mentioned stupid people that happen to be vegans? He's friends with some of them, and they post their vegan inspiration to his wall. This is the story of how I one time didn't strangle a biitch.

The poster in question is this:


I took up issue with none of the supposed facts because they sound close enough to the truth for me to not look up. Except for one, whose appearance I can't explain... the creator was doing well until they threw it in there, perhaps just to see if anyone was paying attention while they patted themselves on the back for eating kale chips.

[stealthee]

Animals were put on this planet for sustanance, not to look pretty.

[SlowNA06]

Animals were put on this planet for sustanance, not to look pretty.

[Kolton Lock]

^ 'Merica!

[loopy smurf]

Nicely done!

[Jordan]

I don't know how people do it, really. I go to vegetarian restaurants and all of the food there is a bit tasteless, and I can't find anything I can really enjoy. Had a vegan "un-chicken" parmesan last night, and when I chewed the soy patty it felt like I was chewing gum. But the only vegans I ever really see are those who are fairly skinny. I have never really seen or heard of a vegetarian who wasn't skinny.

[BillBoost37]

Funny thing in that poster to me is how it portrays the vegetable to be organically grown (most are not) and the cow isn't a free range grazer of organic grasses (which most are not). Try to be unbiased, start with a level the playing field if you are going to try and make points. List good/bad about each. Most veggies are doused in pesticides etc, genetically engineered to grow faster etc etc.

One other thing that always pisses off vegans is explaining that the animal has legs and if not being mass produced would have a chance to run from a hunter. Their food is easy prey, it can hardly migrate inches over it's lifetime.

[TLSheff]

I've had those arguements, it's always fun.

The way I see it. Man has been eating meats since the dawn of time and creation of fire and barbecue sauce. The vegan started less than a hundred years ago... we win.

[BillBoost37]

Uh...actually our teeth etc are designed around grinding plants...not ripping meat. But yeah..I'm a meat loving, barbecuing type guy.

[Sandman]

We're omnivores meaning we eat everything really, I love eating my pork, chicken, and beef but you do need the greens. Vegans/vegetarians are dumb IMO. I am trying to eat healthier so I'm getting organically grown food without the hormones and such.

[SilvaMan61]

It's alright our food ****s on their food. Literally.

[nawarkk]

I've got a meat stick she can eat.

[Neil98gt]

How can you tell if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll ****ing tell you.

[SlowNA06]

Uh...actually our teeth etc are designed around grinding plants...not ripping meat.

You're actually incredibly wrong Bill, and I'd tell you why, but I'm drunk right now. Just know that you're wrong for now.

Good news everybody!: I sobered up and can't sleep. And here's why nobody should care about the "design" of our teeth:

Humans and chimps split from the same ancestral tree 2.5 million years ago, and spurred on the path to a belly 40% smaller than the mostly vegetarian chimpanzee, and a brain 3 times larger. Thus, even though early hominids had teeth very similar to the modern gorilla, modern humans have changed drastically.
Stomach size is markedly different between us and other great apes- humans' stomach small intestine, and colon are 10-24%, 56-67%, and 17-23% of total gut volume in humans, while for orangs and chimps it is 17-20%, 23-28%, 52-54% in orangs and chimps, respectively. In other words, they have massive colons to support fermentation of vegetation, whereas we have comparatively large stomachs, to digest more meat.

The human small intestine, at 23 feet, is a little under eight times body length (assuming a mouth-to-anus "body length" of three feet). This is about midway between cats (three times body length), dogs (3-1/2 times), and other well-known meat eaters on the one hand and plant eaters such as cattle (20 to 1) and horses (12 to 1) on the other. This tends to support the idea that we are omnivores. Herbivores also have a variety of specialized digestive organs capable of breaking down cellulose, the main component of plant tissue. Humans find cellulose totally indigestible, and even plant eaters have to take their time with it. If you were a ruminant (cud eater), for instance, you might have a stomach with four compartments, enabling you to cough up last night's alfalfa and chew on it all over again. Or you might have an enlarged cecum, a sac attached to the intestines, where rabbits and such store food until their intestinal bacteria have time to do their stuff. Digestion in such cases takes place by a process of fermentation--bacteria actually "eat" the cellulose and the host animal consumes what results, namely bacteria dung.

The most recent ancestors to homo sapiens sapiens (modern humans) are homo neanderthalensis (Neanderthals) and homo sapiens (Cro-Magnon Man). The two hominids had extremely similar diets, and both were about as close to pure carnivores as any primate has ever been.

Neanderthals unequivocally ate a diet that consisted of virtually nothing but meat- 10000-12000 calories of it a day. They also lacked sharp teeth and claws, but guess what? They didn't need them, because THEY HAD STONE TOOLS. In fact, hominids have been using tools for over 2 million years- plenty of time for them to develop the requisite biology for the digestion of meat. Neanderthals had even bigger brains than modern humans, which is important due to the fact that their diet was so heavily meat-based, and the metabolic requirements of larger brains would necessitate calorically-dense food consumption, which means they had to eat meat, or they'd die. This is why gorillas are lazy mother****ers, and exhibit very little social interaction, whereas humans have stuff like Facebook. The adoption of carnivory by Oldowan hominins can be linked directly to the evolution of the hominin brain and social systems and the very fact that this was facilitated by the use of stone tools distinguishes us from non-human primates, as their lack of tool use limits the usefulness of their predation.

At one point in history, the Earth's total population of humans dropped to between 5,000 and 10,000 individuals, due to the eruption of Mt. Toba in Sumatra, which killed off most of the available plant and animal life on Earth in 71,000 BC. During this period of time, humans were confined to an extraordinarily small area of Africa that escaped glaciation, where they subsisted on a diet that was approximately 50-70% meat and 50-30% plants, respectively. This diet was necessitated by the die-off of plants and animals, and the lack of a varied diet that could have been otherwise obtained though plant gathering. It was at this time that the Neanderthal diet came to consist of naught but meat, due to the complete lack of availability of edible vegetation, which likely lasted for at least 1000 years.

[Fivefingerdeathpunch]

I've got a meat stick she can eat.

What flavor?

[Sven the Sexman]

What flavor?

Curry lmao

[FriboRage]

Being that, as was said earlier, humans and most of our closer relatives are omnivores, we have teeth that are sharpened for tearing flesh as well as flat for grinding plant matter.

I personally think that removing anything completely from your diet is not in your best interest, the same as having too much of anything is bad. The phrase "well rounded diet" is there for a reason. All the different foods we eat naturally (and by naturally I mean things we would be eating had we not become intelligent, civilized creatures in a society, think cave man) contain different parts of what our bodies require to properly operate. Removing all meats and dairy is just a bad idea I think. I've never seen a vegan that didnt look like they also werent recovering from cancer...

Oh and also,

Originally Posted by Neil98gt
How can you tell if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll ****ing tell you.

I hate this more than anything, I used to work in a grocery store and every so often I'd get people that would ask me.. "Where are the soy products?" etc
I'd say "Right over here, sir"
Then I'd get, "Oh good, Im a vegan so I have trouble finding a lot of stuff around this area."
"Oh ok, have a nice day."
"I started being a vegan when I realized how blahblahblahabablbalbfdksafdjlajkldf"
"OK BYE"
"Veganism is all about..."
"DONT CARE BYE"

[SlowNA06]

by naturally I mean things we would be eating had we not become intelligent, civilized creatures in a society, think cave man... Removing all ... dairy is just a bad idea I think.

lolwut? Because, you know, cave men were ranchers.

[Dallasneon]

That may be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I could fap to this pic.

[FriboRage]

lolwut? Because, you know, cave men were ranchers.

The part with the dairy wasn't supposed to go together like that.

Cave men didn't have a real strong source of calcium short of eating the actual bones of their kills.

Given they had such short lives, they really didn't need it as much. The not cutting out dairy products was more directed towards today's people that live 100+ years regularly.