Thread: Joke of the day, Quote of the day.

Lol same here

Sent using my Galaxy SIII on Tapatalk

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline
attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and
announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:


On a Kulula flight, (there is no
assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having
a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people
we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight
attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess
said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to
leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you
for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and
was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--

After a particularly rough
landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight
announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard
Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."

---o0o---

"Weather at
our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions
can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing,
please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather
all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome
message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"

---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard
landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,

"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o—

Overheard
on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."

---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline".
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She
said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said
the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were
we shot down?"

---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in
Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.."


---o0o—

Heard on a
Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking
section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke
'em

Some I got from my mother over the past week. Made me chuckle, thought I'd share.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church..... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'



Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificatefor an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------------------------ -

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

------------------------------ --------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

______________________________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------ ------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Philadelphia, PA (AP) - A nine year-old Philadelphia boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.

"roses are red

violets are blue

this doesnt rhyme

**** you" - random youtube comment haha

"So last weekend my wife, son, and I went to the zoo! His favorite animal is the Elephant. So we went to go check them out! He noticed something on the Elephant and asked his mom " Mom whats that long thing called on the Elephant?" And she told him it was called his "trunk". He said no mom the thing in the back. And she said "Oh, thats his tail." He then said "no mom, I meant between his legs." And she said with a pause.... "Oh, thats nothing."

So he comes over by me and says, "dad, whats that long thing called on the Elephant?" And I told him that it was called his "Trunk" He then says "dad I meant in the back." And I told him it was called his tail. He said "Dad I meant between his Legs, whats that thing called?" And I told him that it was called his Penis! So my son says "Well Mom said it was called a nothing!"

.
... .
.
.
.
TO which I replied, Well your mom is Spoiled!

.
.
.
LOL"