Thread: Joke of the day, Quote of the day.

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  1. #1 Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    EX GTP OWNER shawngtp's Avatar
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    Just thought we should all be able to add to this tread to make us laugh from time to time. So I will start.


    An Antartian woman came into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink. Then she started to yell, "Yeah!" "Yeah!" Then five more Antartians came in and started to do the same thing. Then three more Antartians came in and one of them had a Barney puzzle. The bartender asked one of them, "Why are you yelling 'yeah yeah!'?" Then one responded, "We did this puzzle in three hours and it says 2-3 years."





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  2. #2 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    I live here. SlowNA06's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shawngtp View Post
    An Antartian

    O'Zaal thinks you're a nerd.



    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
    with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
    fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'



    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
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  3. #3 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    EX GTP OWNER shawngtp's Avatar
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    I like ^^
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  4. #4 Anger Management - Joke of the Day 
    I live here. TLSheff's Avatar
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    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, But you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

    A man answered, saying 'Hello..'

    I politely said, 'This is Rick Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

    I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

    It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

    He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

    I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

    One day I was at the store, Getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

    I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

    He said, 'Yes, it is.'

    I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

    He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

    I asked, 'What's your name?'

    He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

    I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

    He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

    I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

    He said, 'Yes?'

    I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

    Then I hung up, And added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1.

    He said, 'Hello'

    I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

    He asked, 'Are you still there?'

    I said, 'Yeah!'

    He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

    I said, 'Make me.'

    He asked, 'Who are you?'

    I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

    He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

    I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax , A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

    He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don and you had better start saying your prayers.'

    I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' And hung up.

    Then I called Asshole #2.

    He said, 'Hello?'

    I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

    He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

    I said, 'You'll what?'

    He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

    I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 oak tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in oak tree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

    NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

    _________________________
    Kinda Long but I thought I'd Share

    Quote Originally Posted by AmericanSoldier View Post
    ...not scanning/monitoring your motor is like bangin a hooker and you just HOPE your not infected.
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  5. #5 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    PittState Automotive Tech GAFF's Avatar
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    ^ long but worth it lol
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  6. #6 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    GrandPrix Junkie CTKGP09's Avatar
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    its long buts its worth it just like mine, i took the time to type it so read!
    Three guys walk into a bar, sit down and the bartender serves them. While serving one of the men the bartender says, "Wow u have some really small hands!" The man says "You know people tell me that I may hand the worlds smallest hands" The bartender tells him to go to Guinness to see if he can get into the world record book. The second guy says "You know people tell me that I may have the worlds smallest head!" the bartender tells him the same thing as the first man. The third guy says "You know alotta girls tell me I may have the worlds smallest penis, I wonder if its true?" the bartender tells all 3 men to go right now to see if they make the books. They drive there and the guy with the small hands goes into the room with the representative first and closes the door. He comes out five minutes later and yells, "YES! I got the record! I have the worlds smallest hands!" The guy with the smallest head is next, he goes in, closes the door, and comes out shortly after yelling, "YES I got my record too!" The guy with the small penis goes in last. He closes the door comes out shortly after all pissed off n says, "I didnt get the record!" The other 2 guys say "what you mean?" the man says "WHO THE HELL IS JUSTIN BEIBER!?!?!"
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  7. #7 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    EX GTP OWNER shawngtp's Avatar
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    LOL ^^



    Keep them coming.
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  8. #8 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    Donating Users BoostnBlackGTP's Avatar
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    haha lmao these r all Fing funny lol
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  9. #9 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    I live here. SlowNA06's Avatar
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    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
    Last edited by SlowNA06; 12-08-2010 at 04:02 PM.
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  10. #10 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    PittState Automotive Tech GAFF's Avatar
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    ^^ hahah fail
    SOLD 1999 GT Silvermist TS
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  11. #11 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    Oxymoron: Civic - Fun IR II IP IDEATH's Avatar
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    A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
    The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
    'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.
    'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
    'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
    'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
    Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
    Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
    'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
    'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'
    BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
    "Last night I didn't get much sleep so in the morning I made my coffee with red bull instead of water, I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car."
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  12. #12 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    GPFs Sexy Ginger. SilvaMan61's Avatar
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    hahaha this thread is awesome
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  13. #13 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    I live here. SlowNA06's Avatar
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    As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over the fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

    Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.

    The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

    I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog very confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

    I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

    Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.

    Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

    The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

    It was a Christmas to treasure and remember.
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  14. #14 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    Donating Users BoostnBlackGTP's Avatar
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    haha lmao!!!!! completly epic.. that sounds like the best xmas ever
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  15. #15 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    I live here. TLSheff's Avatar
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    X2 Keep Em commin

    Quote Originally Posted by AmericanSoldier View Post
    ...not scanning/monitoring your motor is like bangin a hooker and you just HOPE your not infected.
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  16. #16 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    Oxymoron: Civic - Fun IR II IP IDEATH's Avatar
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    Heres someeeee......
    Last edited by IR II IP IDEATH; 12-11-2010 at 12:35 AM.
    "Last night I didn't get much sleep so in the morning I made my coffee with red bull instead of water, I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car."
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  17. #17 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    Oxymoron: Civic - Fun IR II IP IDEATH's Avatar
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    John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
    One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
    It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
    'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
    'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
    The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
    'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'
    'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,' said Tommy.
    'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
    'The Ten Commandments,' answered Tommy.
    The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
    With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
    'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
    The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
    Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ' Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'
    With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
    "Last night I didn't get much sleep so in the morning I made my coffee with red bull instead of water, I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car."
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  18. #18 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    Oxymoron: Civic - Fun IR II IP IDEATH's Avatar
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    And one of my all time favorites.............


    Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

    A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

    Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

    Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
    "Last night I didn't get much sleep so in the morning I made my coffee with red bull instead of water, I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car."
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  19. #19 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    Resident ZZP Leg Humper BoostenGTP's Avatar
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    LOL! good ****.


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  20. #20 Re: Joke of the day, Quote of the day. 
    Oxymoron: Civic - Fun IR II IP IDEATH's Avatar
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    HELL EXPLAINED
    BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
    One student, however, wrote the following:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
    So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
    "Last night I didn't get much sleep so in the morning I made my coffee with red bull instead of water, I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car."
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